The All-Alcoholic Team Starting Lineup

Memorial Day is symbolic for cookouts, beer, American Flags, and more beer. It’s because of the brave men and women that we honor on this day that we are free to drink and be merry. With that thought in mind, I give you the Boston Red Sox All-Alcoholic Team.

Compiled is the line-up of Red Sox drunks, I tried to make each position represented but there’s so many damn pitchers on this list and not enough middle infielders.

Leadoff: Oil Can Boyd – P

Yeah I’ve got a pitcher hitting leadoff, and this is why. Dennis Ray “Oil Can” Boyd earned his nickname during “his drinking days” in his hometown of Meridian, Mississippi where they call beer oil.

Not only that, former skipper John McNamara said in an interview that Oil Can was too drunk to pitch relief in Game 7 of the series. Well considering the guy recently admitted to doing coke during games, I guess he was just trying to even out his system. He gets all coked up he’s gotta mellow out with a depressant if he wants to pitch. This makes the chicken and beer scandal last year look like a party at Chuckie Cheese.

Second: Jimmie Foxx – 1B

Old Double X was the inspiration for Tom Hanks’ character “Jimmy Dugan” in  A League of Their Own. Not only that, but the dude was a drunk. It was cool during his playing days but after he retired from baseball he stuck around and coached a bit, but his drinking caught up to him.

After baseball he went back to his hometown of Sudlersville, Maryland a small town with a population of 391 in the 2000 census. You’d think that the people of Sudlersville would welcome him with open arms, they didn’t he was totally shunned from the community. By the 1960s right before his death he couldn’t even cash a check, he was just the local drunk.

In the 3-Hole: Babe Ruth – OF

George Herman Ruth was a superstar during the Roaring Twenties, off the field he was very charitable and charismatic he also partied like an animal. Pitching for the Sox he was actually in pretty good physique, but when owner Harry Frazee sold him to the Yankees to help fund his broadway musical My Lady Friends (not No, No, Nanette) Ruth went to the outfield for the Bronx Bombers  and kind of let himself go.

His drinking got so bad that he had to sign a contract addendum in 1922 stating he will limit his drinking. Actually he said, “I’ll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They’re too much fun.”  Click on the link, you can buy the contract, for a hefty sum no doubt.

Hitting Cleanup: Wade Boggs – 3B

Babe Ruth is a tough act to follow in any lineup, luckily Boggs is a legendary drinker. It has been said that Boggs drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross-country plane ride from Jersey to LA. 64! That’s two 30 racks and 4 beers for good measure. That’s two cases, two sixers, and then he decided to have another 4 for a nightcap. For those counting at home that’s 768 fluid ounces of beer. Granted it was light beer but still.

When Boggs was asked about it on Pardon The Interuption he said that the number may have been a little inflated over the years. Jeff Nelson later told the story with Boggs having a mere 50 beers instead of the grotesque 64. Whatever it was, it wasn’t just once. It apparently happened on multiple occasions. Just about every time this guy boarded a plane going coast to coast, Boggs had 50 some-odd brews. That’s a lot of Miller Lite.

The Five Spot: Kevin Millar – 2B

I know Millar played more first base than anything but I’m not kicking Foxx out of the lineup for this clown. Besides, the guy would do anything to be in a Red Sox lineup so I thought I’d stick him anywhere.

Millar may have rambled on like a drunk in interviews, talking nonsense and bringing the conversation around to himself but he wasn’t a 64 beer kinda guy. One thing he is credited with is bringing a bottle of Jack to the 04 ALCS to “shake things up” and he and his fellow idiots took some ceremonial sips from a Gatorade cup throughout that series and onto the Fall Classic.

Batting Sixth: Bobby Jenks – P

During this spring training Fatty Jenks got popped for a DUI after leaving the scene of an accident at Babes, a strip club in Fort Meyers. Pretty original name for a strip club huh? Babes? Witty.

When Jenks was pulled over he told the officer he had taken muscle relaxers, which is not suspicious at all. When he had to do his field sobriety test, walking heel to heel and so forth, he told the arresting officer he couldn’t do it. When asked why Jenks replied “I’m messed up.” Well played sir. Oh yeah that accident at babes, he hit two parked cars and drove away. Smooth as silk that guy.

Seven Spot: Josh Beckett – P

Beckett was the figurehead of the chicken and beer debacle, Lackey and Lester were involved but I think Beckett was seriously pissed about being called out by Valentine. I don’t blame him, Valentine’s a narcissistic ass, but c’mon man pick your battles.

Still, out of all the guys on this list I wouldn’t mind knocking one back with Beckett. Boggs would be impressive to watch but then I’d feel a lesser man after not being able to drink a quarter of what he does.

Batting Eighth: Johnny Damon – OF

Captain Caveman was one of the idiots that drank JD before games during the ’04 ALCS, also he must have been drunk when he married that gold digging wife of his after he dropped his high school sweetheart like a bad habit. Sure she is built like a thoroughbred but that doesn’t mean you just pass the one that’s been there for you since you were a nobody off like that.

 

 

 

 

Bringing up the rear: Trot Nixon – OF

It was between him and Papelbon but this list has far too many pitchers. Trotman was a dirtdog, but he just looks like a boozehound. Look at that handlebar mustache, the dirty hat. Not to mention, when the Sox won the Series in 04, I’ll never forget Trot going in front of the camera, pounding a Budweiser like a warrior and saying this one’s for Stone Cold. A dirtdog and WWE fan to boot. Guys a legend.

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5 Comments

Filed under Beantown Burnouts

5 responses to “The All-Alcoholic Team Starting Lineup

  1. Pags

    The original, none of that Billy Bob Bullshit.

  2. Mike

    Hilarious, all I could think of was having Jenks go out with us to Bettys and pass out in perverts row with his who shirt and beard drenched in booze

    • Pags

      Drinking in the Betty’s parking lot. I love the name of that strip club. Babes. That’s like naming a sandwich shop “Sandwiches” or a bar “Beers.”

      Come to think of it we should open a bar called Beers. It’s a blatent rip off of Cheers, same logo and everything. “Beers, where people will eventually know your name because you got wasted and were ‘That guy.'”

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