Category Archives: Beantown Burnouts

The All-Alcoholic Team Starting Lineup

Memorial Day is symbolic for cookouts, beer, American Flags, and more beer. It’s because of the brave men and women that we honor on this day that we are free to drink and be merry. With that thought in mind, I give you the Boston Red Sox All-Alcoholic Team.

Compiled is the line-up of Red Sox drunks, I tried to make each position represented but there’s so many damn pitchers on this list and not enough middle infielders.

Leadoff: Oil Can Boyd – P

Yeah I’ve got a pitcher hitting leadoff, and this is why. Dennis Ray “Oil Can” Boyd earned his nickname during “his drinking days” in his hometown of Meridian, Mississippi where they call beer oil.

Not only that, former skipper John McNamara said in an interview that Oil Can was too drunk to pitch relief in Game 7 of the series. Well considering the guy recently admitted to doing coke during games, I guess he was just trying to even out his system. He gets all coked up he’s gotta mellow out with a depressant if he wants to pitch. This makes the chicken and beer scandal last year look like a party at Chuckie Cheese.

Second: Jimmie Foxx – 1B

Old Double X was the inspiration for Tom Hanks’ character “Jimmy Dugan” in  A League of Their Own. Not only that, but the dude was a drunk. It was cool during his playing days but after he retired from baseball he stuck around and coached a bit, but his drinking caught up to him.

After baseball he went back to his hometown of Sudlersville, Maryland a small town with a population of 391 in the 2000 census. You’d think that the people of Sudlersville would welcome him with open arms, they didn’t he was totally shunned from the community. By the 1960s right before his death he couldn’t even cash a check, he was just the local drunk.

In the 3-Hole: Babe Ruth – OF

George Herman Ruth was a superstar during the Roaring Twenties, off the field he was very charitable and charismatic he also partied like an animal. Pitching for the Sox he was actually in pretty good physique, but when owner Harry Frazee sold him to the Yankees to help fund his broadway musical My Lady Friends (not No, No, Nanette) Ruth went to the outfield for the Bronx Bombers  and kind of let himself go.

His drinking got so bad that he had to sign a contract addendum in 1922 stating he will limit his drinking. Actually he said, “I’ll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They’re too much fun.”  Click on the link, you can buy the contract, for a hefty sum no doubt.

Hitting Cleanup: Wade Boggs – 3B

Babe Ruth is a tough act to follow in any lineup, luckily Boggs is a legendary drinker. It has been said that Boggs drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross-country plane ride from Jersey to LA. 64! That’s two 30 racks and 4 beers for good measure. That’s two cases, two sixers, and then he decided to have another 4 for a nightcap. For those counting at home that’s 768 fluid ounces of beer. Granted it was light beer but still.

When Boggs was asked about it on Pardon The Interuption he said that the number may have been a little inflated over the years. Jeff Nelson later told the story with Boggs having a mere 50 beers instead of the grotesque 64. Whatever it was, it wasn’t just once. It apparently happened on multiple occasions. Just about every time this guy boarded a plane going coast to coast, Boggs had 50 some-odd brews. That’s a lot of Miller Lite.

The Five Spot: Kevin Millar – 2B

I know Millar played more first base than anything but I’m not kicking Foxx out of the lineup for this clown. Besides, the guy would do anything to be in a Red Sox lineup so I thought I’d stick him anywhere.

Millar may have rambled on like a drunk in interviews, talking nonsense and bringing the conversation around to himself but he wasn’t a 64 beer kinda guy. One thing he is credited with is bringing a bottle of Jack to the 04 ALCS to “shake things up” and he and his fellow idiots took some ceremonial sips from a Gatorade cup throughout that series and onto the Fall Classic.

Batting Sixth: Bobby Jenks – P

During this spring training Fatty Jenks got popped for a DUI after leaving the scene of an accident at Babes, a strip club in Fort Meyers. Pretty original name for a strip club huh? Babes? Witty.

When Jenks was pulled over he told the officer he had taken muscle relaxers, which is not suspicious at all. When he had to do his field sobriety test, walking heel to heel and so forth, he told the arresting officer he couldn’t do it. When asked why Jenks replied “I’m messed up.” Well played sir. Oh yeah that accident at babes, he hit two parked cars and drove away. Smooth as silk that guy.

Seven Spot: Josh Beckett – P

Beckett was the figurehead of the chicken and beer debacle, Lackey and Lester were involved but I think Beckett was seriously pissed about being called out by Valentine. I don’t blame him, Valentine’s a narcissistic ass, but c’mon man pick your battles.

Still, out of all the guys on this list I wouldn’t mind knocking one back with Beckett. Boggs would be impressive to watch but then I’d feel a lesser man after not being able to drink a quarter of what he does.

Batting Eighth: Johnny Damon – OF

Captain Caveman was one of the idiots that drank JD before games during the ’04 ALCS, also he must have been drunk when he married that gold digging wife of his after he dropped his high school sweetheart like a bad habit. Sure she is built like a thoroughbred but that doesn’t mean you just pass the one that’s been there for you since you were a nobody off like that.

 

 

 

 

Bringing up the rear: Trot Nixon – OF

It was between him and Papelbon but this list has far too many pitchers. Trotman was a dirtdog, but he just looks like a boozehound. Look at that handlebar mustache, the dirty hat. Not to mention, when the Sox won the Series in 04, I’ll never forget Trot going in front of the camera, pounding a Budweiser like a warrior and saying this one’s for Stone Cold. A dirtdog and WWE fan to boot. Guys a legend.

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Mr. Canseco, Welcome to Fitton Field

It’s official, after getting kicked off of the Tigres de Quintana Roo of the AAA Mexican Baseball League because he refused to submit to a drug test and admitted to taking testosterone, José Canseco Capas, Jr. is going to suit up for the Worcester Tornadoes.

I don’t think anyone is a bigger fan that Wolfie, and he will probably head to Fitton to catch some Roid Ball in between Cape League games this summer. This has to be the biggest thing the Nadoes have done in their historic 7 year existence. Seriously, here’s the schedule go to a game and watch a train wreck in progress. Beers cheap, they’ve got a goofy mascot for the kids, it’ll be fun for the whole family.

Batshit crazy or not, the guy is entertaining. I’m proud to say I’m one of his devoted Twitter followers. While I’m on the subject I was a tad nervous throughout the day because his Twitter was MIA for a while. It was as if the space time continueum was amiss or something. Anyway, I’m glad to say @JoseCanseco is back up and running, so you can enjoy such gems as:

Guy’s really gotta learn how to spell Worcester. Other than that, he’s a regular Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

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Where are they now: Ugueth Urbina

Prison.

Ugueth Urtaín Urbina, the only player in major league history to have UUU as his initials is serving 14 years in his native country of Venezuela for attacking a couple of dudes with a machete.

I loved oogie during his short stint with the Sox, he was lights out in 2002 having saved 40 games in 61 appearances and a keeping a 3.00 ERA. 2002 was one of his two all-star appearances in his career.

Kind of a vagabond if you will, the transient U-Cubed drifted from city to city throughout his career, the Montreal Expos were the only team he played for, for more than two seasons. In his 10 year career he played for 6 teams, retiring in 2005 with Philadelphia.

Now I know attempted murder, even with a machete is frowned upon in most societies. Not only that but he also attempted to pour gasoline on them, also a no-no. But, and this is a big but, I kind of feel for the guy.

In September of 2004, Ugueths mother Maura was kidnapped and held for $6 Million ransom. Don’t worry she’s OK, a Venezuelan anti-kidnapping unit rescued her in a military-style operation on February 18, 2005. (Here’s the Associated Press article courtesy of ESPN).

With that said, the incident that Oogie was arrested for occurred in October of 2005, where some farm workers were on his property and he thought they were robbing him. Now I don’t know about you guys but if my Ma was held on $6 Million ransom and rescued a few months prior in a military style operation I might be a little “edgy” too. Hell, if I had a machete lying around I might attempt to “hack” a few people and maybe “pour some gasoline all over them and attempt to set them on fire.”

I feel for you Oogs.

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Where Have You Gone Brian Daubach? Red Sox Nation Turns it’s lonely Eye’s to You

Oh there you are.

Here at the Banter we  have planned to write our “Beantown Burnouts” since the blogs inception. Kind of like Sports Illustrated’s Where are they now editions, we are catching up with old friends and checking up on what they’ve been doing since they hung up the cleats. Not that these guys are all “Burnouts” per se, we just love our alliteration here at the BoSox Banter Blog and we thought it had a nice ring to it.

Brian Daubach, the “Belleville Basher” according to baseballreference.com was a fan favorite during his tenure in a Sox uniform. I remember him best as that streaky ball player that would hit the shit outta the ball throughout April and May, go O for June, and start mashing again sometime in mid July.

I don’t have these stats but I do know that when Dauby got traded back to the club from the White Sox in 04 his shirts were selling out at the Yawkey Way Store across the street from Fenway. Here’s some stats I do have, courtesy of baseball reference.

Year Tm G AB R H HR RBI BB SO BA OBP SLG OPS
1990 NYM-min 45 152 26 41 1 19 22 41 .270 .363 .395 .758
1991 NYM-min 65 218 30 53 7 42 33 64 .243 .355 .390 .745
1992 NYM-min 72 260 26 63 2 40 30 61 .242 .323 .338 .662
1993 NYM-min 102 379 50 106 7 72 52 84 .280 .368 .401 .769
1994 NYM-min 129 450 52 123 6 74 58 120 .273 .360 .389 .749
1995 NYM-min 137 476 61 115 10 72 53 104 .242 .322 .366 .688
1996 NYM-min 139 490 87 140 22 82 80 117 .286 .390 .478 .868
1997 FLA-min 136 461 66 128 21 93 65 126 .278 .367 .510 .877
1998 FLA-min 140 497 102 157 35 124 80 114 .316 .421 .634 1.055
1999 BOS-min 9 31 4 9 1 6 6 8 .290 .436 .452 .888
1999 BOS 110 381 61 112 21 73 36 92 .294 .360 .562 .921
2000 BOS 142 495 55 123 21 76 44 130 .248 .315 .448 .764
2001 BOS-min 2 6 0 1 0 0 1 3 .167 .286 .167 .452
2001 BOS 122 407 54 107 22 71 53 108 .263 .350 .509 .859
2002 BOS 137 444 62 118 20 78 51 126 .266 .348 .464 .812
2003 CHW 95 183 26 42 6 21 34 54 .230 .352 .388 .740
2004 BOS-min 93 336 63 91 21 81 71 93 .271 .400 .527 .927
2004 BOS 30 75 9 17 2 8 10 21 .227 .326 .413 .739
2005 NYM-min 99 345 63 112 16 62 62 68 .325 .426 .554 .979
2005 NYM 15 25 4 3 1 3 7 5 .120 .324 .320 .644
2006 STL-min 67 226 29 63 11 38 36 48 .279 .387 .478 .865
8 Yrs 661 2025 271 525 93 333 236 541 .259 .341 .476 .817
BOS (5 yrs) 541 1802 241 477 86 306 194 477 .265 .341 .488 .829

It took me about a half hour to get that table on there and it’s still not the way I like it but I digress.

Since Brian retired in 2005 he has stayed in the clubhouse as a coach, becoming the now defunct Nashua Pride’s hitting coach. The Nashua Pride, a team from the Can-Am League (not affiliated with the MLB), was kind of like an old Sox player haven. El Guapo pitched for them, Dan Duquette was a co-owner, and Dauby taught the youngsters how to roll up the pants to show off some stirrup.

In 2009 the team changed their name to The American Defenders of New Hampshire, and promoted Dauby to manager of the ball club with the catchy name. Unfortunately for Dauby and the players, the team was evicted from Holman stadium in Nashua midway through the 2009 season because of nonpayment of rent. The team is now in Pittsfield Mass with a better handle, The Colonials.

In 2010 Daubach was named manager of the Hagerstown Suns, a Single-A club in the Washington Nationals farm system. He’s still coaching there, having managed both Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg.

So here’s to Dauby, once and always a Dirtdog.

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